Combine TSA/ObamaCare

Since government policies are daily inventing new ways to crush the rights of Americans anyway, I say we at least do it in a manner that saves time and money. Combine TSA with ObamaCare. Think of the possibilities.

“Mr. Anderson,” says the TSA worker, “You are cleared to board your flight and since we noticed a slight hemorrhoid issue, here’s a prescription you can get filled at the airport Star Bucks before you board.”

“Miss Kelly Ann,” says another TSA worker, “You are now free to board your flight to Chicago. And we thought you would be pleased to know that Ernie in the Enhanced Pat Down Room says that the lump in your breast is benign. No worries.”

The only snag to this is that due to our fear of profiling, Muslims will eventually feel slighted. As TSA allows them to skate through airport screening they will—at some point--notice that they are being denied health care. They will demand to be x-rayed and groped like the rest of us, and that will open the door to actually screening Muslims. Flying will be safer and Muslims will be happy about the free health care. I see a Nobel Peace prize on the horizon for this idea.

For my liberal friends who suffer from HDS (Humor Deficiency Syndrome), I am only joking. But here’s an idea I am not joking about.

Let’s keep a sharp eye open for anyone who now applies for work with TSA. What better job for a sexual deviant than being paid by the federal government for groping body parts and looking at naked pictures? The application pool is sure to be a goldmine for identifying deviants. That is, if we are willing to profile them.

They Know You're the Children's Pastor Because...

• The last time you made it to the adult service you tried to do the motions to Amazing Grace.
• You were banned from the produce aisle of the local grocery store for singing the theme song to Veggie Tales.
• Your summer begins when VBS ends.
• Your version of Jesus’ first miracle has Him turning water into Kool Aid.
• You once gave your spouse the quiet seat prize after dinner.
• You rolled your eyes when the pastor told the congregation how much the choir members sacrifice to serve God.
• You are starting to have meaningful conversations with your favorite puppet.
• In the church foyer everyone runs when they see you coming for fear you’re trying to recruit them.
• You’re afraid to close your eyes when you pray.
• When people ask you how many children you have you tell them between 60 and 70.
• You carry crackers in your pockets.
• You have a helium tank in your office.
• Your cracker and juice budget is bigger than your salary.
• You buy everything in bulk.
• You honesty believe you are only doing this temporarily until the church finds someone else.
• You were stunned to learn that some scissors are pointed.
• You once got stuck in the playground tube at McDonald’s.
• You scotch-guarded your entire minivan.
• The children’s workers are taking bets on how long you will last.
• You once cut up your pajamas to build a flannel graph board.
• You plan an event for 200 and 50 show up.
• You plan an event for 50 and 200 show up.
• You prefer a root canal to meeting with the church board.
• You know how to pray for healing for dogs, cats and goldfish.
• The Senior Pastor has forgotten your name.
• You have forgotten the Senior Pastor’s name.
• The church janitor won’t speak to you.
• You understand the terms: tinkle, winkie tink, stinker, and TT
• You’ve never heard a guest speaker at your church.
• You went to a four star restaurant and requested animal crackers for dessert.
• You once sat up straight in the middle of the night and yelled at the top of your lungs, “IS THE BIG SERVICE OUT YET?!!!!”

The Calling

I am a minister. I minister to the largest mission field in the world. I minister to children.

My calling is sure. My challenge is big. My vision is clear. My desire is strong. My influence is eternal. My impact is critical. My values are solid. My faith is tough. My mission is urgent. My purpose is unmistakable. My direction is forward. My heart is genuine. My strength is supernatural. My reward is promised. And my God is real.

In a world of cynicism, I offer hope. In a world of confusion, I offer truth. In a world of immorality, I offer values. In a world of neglect, I offer attention. In a world of abuse, I offer safety. In a world of ridicule, I offer affirmation. In a world of division, I offer reconciliation. In a world of bitterness, I offer forgiveness. In a world of sin, I offer salvation. In a world of hate, I offer God’s love.

I refuse to be dismayed, disengaged, disgruntled, discouraged or distracted. Neither will I look back, stand back, fall back, go back or sit back. I do not need applause, flattery, adulation, prestige, stature or veneration. I do not have time for business as usual, mediocre standards, small thinking, outdated methods, normal expectations, average results, ordinary ideas, petty disputes or low vision. I will not give up, give in, bail out, lie down, turn over, quit or surrender.

I will pray when things look bad. I will pray when things look good. I will move forward when others stand still. I will trust God when obstacles arise. I will work when the task is overwhelming. I will get up when I fall down.

My calling is to reach boys and girls for God. It is too serious to be taken lightly, too urgent to be postponed, too vital to be ignored, too relevant to be overlooked, too significant to be trivialized, too eternal to be fleeting and too passionate to be quenched.

I know my mission. I know my challenge. I also know my limitations, my weaknesses, my fears and my problems. And I know my God. Let others get the praise. Let the church get the blessing. Let God get the glory.

I am a minister. I minister to children. This is who I am. This is what I do.